Sometimes I just stop, think back on my life and realise I’m my own worst enemy.

I’m sure lots of people feel this way sometimes, but its only after I’ve managed to thoroughly sabotage myself that I can think about what I’ve done, and then wonder why I didn’t stop.  I’ll go on a diet then devour a full family sized galaxy caramel bar.  I’ll pay for exercise classes then never go.  I’ll make plans and then wait till the last minute to complete them.

My current dilemma?  I’ve got a sizeable amount of cash wedged in my paypal account at the moment, and a very promising amount coming in for next week.  That said, that money is supposed to be reserved for my travels, and not for touching. 

Then yesterday, I went onto eBay and started bidding on some DVD box sets of a show I’ve been meaning to watch forever.  Didn’t even think about it.  Today I realised I’d actually won them, and spent about £100 of my savings ON them (7 volumes worth).

I’m livid with myself.  Sure, I can probably sell them on once I’ve watched them, but I’m not supposed to be bringing MORE crap into this room.  I’m supposed to be reducing it, while also focusing on getting through the things that are already on my to do list – not adding to it.  I have a costume that’s not getting any closer to started, a new video game to play that’ll take time to finish, and a mountain of planning for a trip I’m struggling to afford as is!  Especially since I am not keeping to my difficult-but-still-manageable food budget either.

I can’t even justify it as I found out through one of the assistants in the B&R that if I hadn’t heard from their boss yet, he probably wasn’t interested in my application form.  When you have dozens of forms coming in every day I guess you can be as picky as you like, but it does mean if I want to make extra cash I have to find it somewhere else.  I really don’t want to go back to the supermarket, but I’m starting to wonder if I have a choice.  Having free time is nice, but not when you’re not doing the dozen and a half things you should be doing.  Getting back the schedule and only having one day off a week might get me off my lazy backside and start doing things like I should.

Think I’ll try to focus this week, and if I can get back on track I might hold off on the part time job for a few months until the costume is closer to complete.  If I don’t, and I’m still being lazy it’ll be time to throw caution to the wind and take it up again.  If I’m not going to be productive I might as well get paid for it.

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