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First of all, thanks again for all the comments in my last TKD depressed post – I appreciate it, and I’ll make sure to post how the competition goes when I get back.  Posting this one a little earlier since I’ll be on a train most of this evening – staying with my brother in the far closer Glasgow so I can get in commuting distance of Motherwell tonight, and realised very early today that I had something that might be worth writing about.

Updating every day does mean my memory on what I have and haven’t shared is a little screwy, but I’m sure I’ve mentioned I’m doing Herbalife at least once.  I’ve been on and off it about 3 months, and though I started losing weight quite quickly, I kept buckling over the weeks so the full benefit was lost to me.  As it I waver between 63 and 66kg at the moment (when I started I was pretty much stuck around 70kg), and assumed this was me putting on the weight from being a bad girl near the end of the week.  Or so I thought – it might actually be having more of an effect on my muscle than I thought.

Today I was going through Yul-Gok, and decided to film myself in order to see how it looked and if there were any obvious flaws in my technique I could fix.  Did this for a few run throughs, and then watched.  I can see where I’m sloppy, though not making any obvious mistakes I didn’t already know about – but while watching it, I was actually kind of surprised at how…thin I looked.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a ‘big’ girl for lack of a better term – not obese or fat, but still overweight.  My family on both sides carry weight around the stomach practically from birth.  But this was the first time I’d actually seen myself from the outside and not been upset with what I saw – actually closer to my desired shape than I realised.  To be fair most people don’t believe me when I say how much I weighed before – even when I was at 75kg I apparently looked a lot lighter than my actual weight was, which I put down to muscle for lack of alternatives.

But this was the first time I’d actually seen a shot of myself and thought ‘okay…I actually don’t look that bad on camera’.  Which is pretty much the first time I’ve ever thought that.  It’s a strange place to be, considering I never thought I really had body images…and then find out that in reality…I sort of did, I was just ignoring them.

I have never considered myself to have a low self image.  My views on appearance have always been strange – never have I looked in the mirror (least not in the last 6 years or so) and hated what I saw.  I had a pretty high confidence in my appearance…but when I saw a photograph or caught myself on video, I almost never recognised the girl in the shot.  She always looked heavy and pale and bedraggled – and I couldn’t relate the person I was looking at to the person I saw in the mirror every day.  Doesn’t help that I have a lot of friends who got the opposite in the genetic lottery and have to be on shakes to gain weight because they just can’t keep it up – being next to them in photos has actually horrified me on one occasion.  It didn’t compute…and as a result I do subconsciously seem to avoid cameras and make sure I’m holding the camcorder when I’m out. 

You’d think this would make me happy, but it’s actually made me feel worse.  Because I don’t feel like I’ve made enough of a difference for it to have changed that much.  Okay, half a stone isn’t exactly a small amount of weight to lose, but I honestly can’t see a difference in the mirror, and my clothes aren’t any less baggy than they were a month ago.  I still don’t fit into clothes that I was hoping to fit into right now.  It feels that by actually making myself look better…I’m making myself feel worse about myself.  What kind of crazy place is my mind? 

I think maybe its because I looked at myself today, and realise that, yes – I probably didn’t look as good as I thought I did before.  It shouldn’t matter because its in the past and I didn’t care then, so caring now is immaterial.  But as anyone who has ever looked back on anything will tell you, that’s not how it works.  It makes me look back and wonder if what I’m seeing now is really any better than what I was seeing then – or if I’m just looking through biased eyes.

I know than in the grand scheme of things, me being happy with what I see is what really matters in the end.  But I guess I just expected to notice the change more than I have.

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